Tested~

Even as a kid, I HATED tests.
Just my physical reactions to them, alone, seemed to amount to enough to send me on a one-way ticket to anxiety-ville. My stomach would twist into pure knots, my hands would shake and become all cold and clammy, leaving my poor pencil in a sort of earthquake-slip n' slide disaster-zone. My legs would shake, my bladder would tease me that I 'had to go,' especially during the occasions the teacher absolutely forbade it.
And no matter how hard I studied, how much I planned ahead, and what consumption technique I utilized, it seemed the material would just 'magically' flit out of my brain right as a test packet hit the top of my desk.

UGH. Talk about miserable.

Even better was receiving that marked up test BACK. Oy.
I still favor and appreciate my teachers who were kind enough to hand back tests with the 'half-fold' grip or even better, just set them upside down on our desktops.
Now, don't get me wrong. I wasn't a terrible student. I really did, always, try my very best and never got what I consider horrible grades, but certainly wasn't a straight-A student, either. Tests were just, always, a struggle and...as I learned by the time I was in high-school with a select amount of involved and genuine teachers who cared less about the grade and more about the student...test-taking atmosphere's just never sufficed for calculating my knowledge retention.
For this, I really did, whole-heartedly hate written tests. 

As time went on and I advanced through high school and into college, I got better at taking tests...certainly it helped that most of college involved classes that were extra interesting to me, but throughout my school years I became more aware that some tests were better than others.
For instance, multiple choice were the worst for my personality-type because I'd 'know' the answer, but then absolutely couldn't move on before reading all of them which would then leave me changing my answer, but then I'd second guess that and go back to contemplating my initial answer and finally become sooooo intimidated by it all that I'd tell myself to 'move on and come back,' leaving me at the end with 'time up' and sporadic blank entries to show for it. It was horrible.
Essay tests on the other hand were usually pretty easy for this chatty-Cathy... especially when I'd studied extra hard for the test, I could wipe the floor with most essays. It also helped that English *though it doesn't show in my ridiculously informal writing-'style' on here!* was my favorite subject, next to music. ;)


Over the past few months that we've been on this journey...hike, up 'Mt. Courage,' there have been days where the hours, the minutes... even the moments, feel like the worst test imaginable. Even as I describe the written kind that once, seemingly, consumed my life, I find myself back at that word.
PERSPECTIVE.
Isn't it some kind of incredible that when I named this blog (a year and a half B.C. *before cancer*) that the Lord brought that word to me... 'Perspectives and Ramblings'.... and now what a different meaning it has taken on, since!!!

Yes.
What a scary thing tests were once... how scary and intimidating that piece of paper were for me and my #2 pencil.
Bah! What I wouldn't give to make this test that simple.

Recent days:
We're talking, *again*, about mommy's sickness... 'no, mommy's not dying, even though, true, mommy hasn't been able to really get out of bed for three days.'
I'm texting, 'Hi students...so sorry to have to do this, but we have to cancel lessons for tomorrow cause there is just no way that I will be able to teach.'
People are messaging, 'Hi Hayley, just wanted to let you know about this documentary I just watched that I think you should watch...it talks about what we eat and do that gives us cancer and how to avoid them.' <--while I DO understand the amazingly, loving intentions...I can't even start into this one. :-P
Bills are stacking. Finances are lacking. I'm still hacking. Boys need packing. and suddenly.......
it all rushes back.
My stomach starts twisting, my hands start shaking and become all cold and clammy, my bladder feels anxious and my mind, goes blank.

I'm ABSOLUTELY... overwhelmed.
I'm so done with all this!
Maybe I should just call Deirdre and say NO MORE! I don't want another drug to enter my body! I don't want another needle to puncture my port!
In fact, I WANT THIS PORT OUT!! It's itchy. It's ugly. I'm over it.


But here's the funny thing about this test. Just like the others, no matter how I feel about it...I have to take it. There is no 'exit trail' on this hike. There is no option of leaving spots blank if I am to pass.
HOWEVER, unlike my tests in school, I have only one answer for every scenario... every page.


GOD.


'Son, even if mommy does die from this, we don't have to be afraid because GOD knows.'
'Students, even though I can't teach you tomorrow, I will be back, because GOD'S healing me.'
'Friends/Aquaintances, even though I appreciate your beautiful and well-intentions on the subject of cancer and cancer-related 'miracle cures,' just keep praying for me... cause GOD hears you.'
'Bills and finances. Well. We're doing our best... and thank the Lord that, GOD provides.'
'Nasty cold...I rebuke you, in JESUS name!'
'Boy's having to leave... though I struggle with this, I'm so thankful for family and GOD'S provisions!'

Does this mean I like tests now? That this one is easy??

HA!!!

(no)

But I will say this.
What more awesome Teacher to have behind a test than one, who in 'giving it,' provides one
Simple Answer to every problem on it~