C is for...

I've been telling a lot of people in person over this past couple of weeks how I view this whole journey, thus far, but I really think it's about time I said it, here, on the blog.

First, let me just say that their are MANY emotions revolving around this challenge.
A lot of you have said to me recently,
'It's ok...you don't have to play the positive role all the time. You are allowed to feel like crying and
it's ok to feel angry or sad.'

OH, BELIEVE ME.
I am not playing the positive card, twenty-four seven.
There HAVE been tears...lots of them. There have been arguments and frustrations.
Just because you are told you have cancer doesn't mean that you are suddenly not human.

In fact, lately I've been feeling like half of my own personal battle is to stay away from allowing myself and others to think of me as 'the poor young lady with cancer.'
I think it's easy to suddenly label yourself and let that ugly word of an ugly disease define who you are.

I. REFUSE.

I am still Hayley.

I am still firey, loving, bull-headed, tender, social... I am still all the things I was before.
Now, however, I'm facing the Mt Everest climb of my life. *Good thing I AM still all those things, ha!*

What I think my loved ones, surrounding me in prayer, easily confuse is my attitude toward my situation, as a moment-by-moment CHOICE.
There are MANY moments out of my day where I am so absolutely consumed with this situation that I just want to go find a corner and rock myself to crazy-town.
In some ways, sometimes, I think that might even be a lot easier.
But the question is...what good would that really do me?!

Would being depressed throughout this whole thing take the disease away??
Would feeling sorry for myself be a good example for my children???
Would sitting around, moping about it do any good for my relationships????
Would crying 'woe-is-me' really Glorify God to and through people who need Him to be?????

No.
No.
No.
and most definitely...
No.

Choosing to let 'Cancer' take over my emotional and mental life is suicide.
I might as well die of an unexpected brain-anurism.

Are there moments of tears?
Are there moments of 'why not THAT lady, who smokes & drinks & does drugs?!'
Are there moments of 'why when I'm so young and my kids are so little?'
Are there moments of 'NO MORE NEEDLES!!!'
Are there moments of 'Lord, I'm scared of the Chemo.'

Yes.
Heck yes.
Absolutely yes.
Oh my gosh, yes.
Most assuredly...
YES!
and YES!!!

But, allowing those fears to consume me and dictate my every precious gifted moment now is not truly Trusting in My Lord and Savior!

The bible says:
Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you... He will not permit the Godly to slip.

If I have truly cast my fears, then it is my Faith that must lead the way.
So when you see all of my courage poses, influenced initially by a sweet little sculpture gift received from a cousin, early on (see below pic)...
Just remember, I'm choosing a DIFFERENT 'C-word', much greater and more redeeming than the first one...
I don't 'HAVE cancer.'

I'm CHOOSING, Courage.