Living in the moment...

I've come to realize that there's a BIG difference between living IN the moment, vs. living for the moment.

Only a handful of days after we first received 'the news,' every day began feeling longer.
Sure, when you're doing things like I have been the past few weeks (we'll just sum it up by saying 'human-pin-cushion'), the minutes seem like years.

But that's actually not what I'm referring to.

There's something extraordinarily profound about being told that life is no longer 'guaranteed', but something you must fight to have more of. It's like all things around you suddenly grow under the most immense magnifying glass you could imagine. Your eyes, your nose, your ears and your heart... all gain some hyper sensitivity... like they are finally doing what they were made for.

Last week, I did many, many things I didn't want to do. (And I do really mean to add about ten more 'many's' onto that sentence, but I will spare you.)

IV's. STILL NOT A FAN.
Appointments. (...while I absolutely adore most of the people at the OHSU facility) There are much better things that I wish I COULD be doing and/or talking about.
Biopsies. Well, let's face it. THEY PRETTY MUCH STINK MONKEY POO.

However, amidst all of it, I can't help but focus on the simpler things.

On the way to OHSU Thursday morning, mom and I spent nearly an hour finding our way to the right location, which left us 20 minutes late to our appointment. A literal rat-chase later, all I could do...once we were finally at the front desk of the correct location...was smile inside.

Look at this beautiful mother of mine who has cast all other life away and committed her days and 'moments' to traipsing the OHSU campus with me, holding her needy daughter's hand during ugly biopsies, creating with me, so many 'funny stories' spoken I'm sure at the many dinner-tables or over the many glasses of wine of the professionals having to put up with our pink pair.

Creating the memorable moments out of sheer need, in times... like 'Party-Rock' becoming the theme-song that 'serenades' us through the biopsies. Why? Because, it takes me to visions of my innocent and carefree little men--at skating-rink visits or during spontaneous 'dance-parties' at home--where they wiggle their little toushies in delight of a tune while somebody outside my la-la-land has to poke and prod me for tumor samples. Seeing my straight-laced female doctor crack some smiles at the craziness... realizing internally that we just may be affecting more of her than just her progress in breast-tissue research.
I sure hope so, anyway.

Talking to one of my uncles on the phone... hearing a softer, loving tone and a ver-klempt speech that I'm not sure I've EVER heard from him. Experiencing through our conversation an immense brokenness that has occurred within him because of this as he says...'Hayley, you are soooo special to us, I just feel so helpless and want something to do. Give me something to do.'

Having a friend and neighbor call up to ask if he could come over because God just impressed, DEEPLY, on his heart to lay hands on me and pray for my pain and the abolishment of the tumor.

Seeing people all around us, interacting with us, following our story, praying with us...
BEING AFFECTED, somehow... someway...If even for that constant gentle reminder to truly live every day to it's fullest.

Today, as I am getting through what feels like the worst pain I've felt since laboring my children (I'd actually endure multiple biopsies over this port-surgery-recovery)...
I am reminded that God is bigger. STILL. Always. ...And He is so awesomely using this!

Even while in physical pain and in an awry state, I know and I SEE how He is using it all and all I can do is cry tears of joy through the tears of pain... 'Lord, YOU ARE SO WORTHY!!!'