Random Book Tidbits...

Exactly as the title implies, these are just tidbits from the book I'm writing.

Some of you have been asking me for these. Some of you have been asking about the book, period.
They are in no way organized, nor are they in 'order' of how they will appear in the eventual book (hence the word 'tidbits') but since I've been spending more time writing the book than writing on here, I thought I'd share a little. Tease, if you will. ;)

So, enjoy.. or don't. They are what they are in their raw, unedited journal form. These are the 'darker' side of my more recent writings, but I figure, especially for those reading and in the same scenario, that REALNESS of human-struggle needs to be in the book. Most of the book will be focused away from the humanness of it all, but I will never pretend that that isn't part of the daily journey, either.

Tidbit #1:

Tonight is not much different from others when it comes to fending off the usual cancer-worries. Though those thoughts feel old and dull and so familiar that I drop them. Just like that. In their space, my mind fills with the utter simplicity of a question. WHY? 

Why can’t I sleep, these days?! Lord knows, I’ve ALWAYS been somewhat of a night-owl.. but I’ve never felt so desperate for the feeling of ‘tired’ in my life as I have this past year and a half. I’m sure that the lack of comfort of these rock-hard expanders is no help. I’ve NEVER been a back-sleeper..yet side-sleeping with these imposters is near impossible.. so what other choice do I have?! Certainly isn’t ideal for my sleep-state, I’m sure of that. But what else? It can’t just be learning to like the feel of my bed against my back? Well. I suppose all these crazy medications that throw my body chemicals every which way like a wooden sailboat on an angry sea doesn’t help. Not to mention this week in particular, where, in order to have my next surgery, I HAVE to go off of all of them. Today was officially my second day without them. You think my body is just a bit confused right now? Ha!

Of course, you have to love people in my life who insist on pointing out to me, ‘Oh, you look tired.’ Um. Yeah. I am. In fact, while we’re on that subject, is there a way to arrange you sleeping FOR me and me still reaping the benefits? Cause this really isn’t a choice, you know.

Tidbit #2:

Night after night, I crawl into bed with my sweet, loving husband in hopes to close my eyes and dose quickly into the unconscious state we all need. 

Night after night I find myself EXHAUSTED and yet laying there, thoughts swarming, stresses battling hard to sneak into my emotions, kicking on the lovely heat of a hot-flash and then BAM! Just like that, I’m awake. Eyes open, yawning.. yet sleep completely eludes me.

I lay there, staring through the dark at the ceiling listened to hubby breath deeply in his own, sound state and the thoughts creep back in, again. This time... they are quite morbid. Thoughts like: If cancer kills me, someday, who will be laying in this bed, in my place. 

Yep. HORRID.

But they are real. 

Then my brain wanders to the next room where my precious, sleeping babes dream-sweetly... who would be there for them, maternally? How old would they be when they’d be forced to let me go? 

Finally, I’m spring-boarded to the thought of: If and when cancer kills me, how will I handle it? I’m not sure I have the strength of Grace to be ok with saying goodbye to these three, prematurely, the way I’ve strived for Grace through everything else thus far. 

I can’t help but think often of my distant cousin, Molly, and how that part of her ‘journey’ with two, precious, young children by her side must’ve been. For a second or two, I don’t WANT to know. But then later, I do. 

It’s a tug-of-war that cancer plays... especially on this side, this ‘cancer-free’ side where it just looms, like a transparent cloud that suddenly darkens and then dims again how and whenever it pleases. 

Doctors have told Aaron that if I do have a recurrence, it will probably take my life. I’ve hardly told a soul about this particular intuition... but I do feel that, whenever I do finally leave this life, it will be by cancer’s hand. That thought is perhaps the MOST scary. Not because I’m scared of death--I know that I get Eternal Life after this one--but simply because, well, I’m just not ready to die. Not yet.

Tidbit #3:

While I’m skiffing the subject of life-after-cancer, let me just point out to any and all around me who think cancer ‘hasn’t changed my life much,’ I lay in bed--probably TOO much--counting on one hand, what HASN’T changed. I think anyone who has been through anything life-altering can attest this. And while a part of me is happy that what you all see is me looking to Christ and being dwelling on the ‘good’ in all of it, don’t for one, split second think that the attitude choice is ANY reflection of the human-reality. 

I am so utterly blessed to have, what I consider now, ‘extended life’... meaning, anything I get past the near-death-sentence of cancer is just ‘bonus-time.’ And though I will never take that for granted and never again EXPECT life beyond the current moment... life as I once knew it and once DID expect it, is gone. If that isn’t change, I’m not sure what is.

Tidbit #4: (And maybe a customized bumper-sticker for my car, someday?)

Cancer is bad. 

GOD, however, is Good.

Cancer is NOT of God.

But God will use my cancer for Good. (He’s already promised me He will.)