If you've read any of my past month's blog entries you're probably noticing TWO things:
1. Words and thoughts are once again flowing out of me faster than I can type!
2. My mind and my heart are going through quite the battle.
I suppose the good part about #2 is the fact that Christ dwells deeply in my heart, so I know, no matter how brutal and how lengthy this battle, His PROMISE to overcome it is just that. A PROMISE.
Today, as Aaron and I were on our way home from Portland, we listened to a podcast from our old church. On top of making me greatly miss being there...the message we listened to was absolutely an answer to prayer. I'm not sure if Aaron chose it, specifically, or if God planted it in time...but what I DO know is it spoke Truth to me that I've been needing to hear for a while now. While I don't want to take credit for the pastor's spirit-filled words, I want to do my best to share some of the profound epiphanies I had while listening.
Since the day I was diagnosed, people have said to me... 'I don't get it.. Why YOU? You seem like such a good person. Why does it seem like the good people are always the ones to suffer?' I've had many days lately where I've fallen prey to that thought--found myself, left, WROUGHT with sheer and storming anger. 'Yeah! They're right!! WHY ME?!?! Why, Lord??? Unless........unless you just WANT to see me suffer. You WANT to cut me to the core!' I've sat, listening to my heart and mind scream back and forth, one to the other. Kinda like the dramatization of good angel-devil angel sitting on one's shoulder. My heart feels such GUILT to even hear my mind say such things to the Lord. To be doubting Him this way. I find myself feeling like the coach in a dirty wrestling match--standing on the sidelines, spouting off about how BOTH parties need to just STOP and take a time-out from one another.
Then, as I'm listening to the message in the car today, I am reminded once again of the battle and what the battle really is. This is not Satan in devil angel form attacking me. It is ME, fighting God. AGAIN. And the pain is mostly... GROWING PAINS.
When a kid is born of tall parents, his genetics add up to inevitable height, also. This is absolutely the case with our two young sons. If I remember correctly, they were measured at around 3 yrs of age to become 6'3 and 6'5 foot adults. *Surprise, surprise*. ;) As two experienced 'growers', Aaron and I have not yet forgotten the physical pain of fast-stretching ligaments, so when one or both of our boys complains of this, we have immediate empathy. The go-to remedy? Pain-reducing medication, lots of kisses and, above all else perhaps, is performed leg-rubs accompanied by favorite 'songing' selections.
This is ESPECIALLY important to our 'snuggle-bugger' of a Lincoln-bear. His words: 'Rub it please, mama... and sing to me while you rub it.' *Yep, he's a heart-melter, that one.*
So what does this have to do with my ongoing, personal 'good cop/bad cop' routine?
As the pastor put it, doubt causes a sense of spiritual vertigo where the ground beneath you is shifting--and as of late, my ground has been shifting in ways I'm not ready or even wanting to anticipate. It is causing me far more intense growing pains than I've ever felt before. Sometimes I think if only the pain could just be physical, again. Maybe then, I wouldn't be left fighting with my brain so much.
But, I realized today, *perhaps for the 100th time* that I'm missing the point.
The doubts are my SELF-response to the pain of LOSING this important spiritual battle.
Losing SELF. IS. PAINFUL.
So so so so so painful.
But dwelling on those doubts..in my SELF just prolongs the relief...the 'rubbing' and 'soothing' that has ALREADY BEEN MADE AVAILABLE TO ME. As the pastor said, we must put doubt and self into it's proper perspective and place--realizing how SMALL *we* and they both are in comparison of the victor...realizing the GRANDEUR of Christ's Life! We must put into perspective that our fate without God IS doubt...but our fate with FAITH IN GOD has been PROMISED AND PROVEN!
It is time for me, once again, to stand up to the doubts I've had in the Lord and His plan for me.. my family.. my future......knowing that HE KNOWS MY HEART and that if I will just get down on my knees and INJEST Him and His LOVE AND COMPASSION FOR ME, THAT will form the 'trajectory of my life' that means everything while everything else, is worth nothing.
As the pastor said, 'When we wrestle with God and the love of Christ--we have but one choice. To LOOK upon the Cross. See how He died..and bled..and suffered.. on OUR behalf!
It is time for me to realize, once again, that MY victory is His victory and HIS was and is, mine. And in His victory lies His promise! So why on earth would I EVER. DOUBT. THAT.