This blog has been on my heart for quite some many months now, as the day I received that second 'stripe' on a pregnancy test was the first day of a new chapter. A new chapter in our lives as well as, perhaps, a final chapter for that book I will eventually get around to publishing, ha! Since that day, the day of seeing a literal MIRACLE be born into our little family's story, the Lord has blessed me with an awesomely renewed since of joy--a joy I haven't experienced in YEARS, as anyone whose been directly around me can attest. I know that I haven't had to work at that happiness or even ask for it amidst other things. I've had more patience with people and circumstances and an uncontrollably POSITIVE spin on everything because of it. It's a joy that you get solely from the Lord--when His presence becomes so intimately entangled in you, again. The 'news' of this Miracle Baby (God baby as we've nicknamed it) was, well...like a knock on the door *again*, with the Lord standing on the other side saying 'I heard you...I HEAR you...I KNOW you and I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN YOU.' That kind of reassurance and the tangible experience of pregnancy reminding me daily truly wrapped me in His Presence and Joy. Then came everyone's reactions to the news--all the fun ways we broke the news--and all of the excitement that enveloped our hearts amidst others excitement, too. To watch a Miracle 'unfold' itself and experience people experiencing it with you. OH THE JOY!!!
At whatever point this miracle simply HAD to be that baby girl that my heart has longed to have my ENTIRE LIFE, I'm not sure. I am certain that responses of 'this is your girl, I just KNOW it' or 'God is gonna really show off now' were part of it, and even I too, at some point decided 'why ELSE would He put us in this incredibly UNfitting position of completely STARTING OVER--like--we don't own a THING 'baby' anymore, folks!--unless He was truly going to carry out my deepest hearts desire in the midst of that.
What an UNfair assumption. Not because it wouldn't of been great or felt awesome...but because, as I have said before and will be forced to say many many many many *I'm sure* many more times again...MY plan is NOT GOD'S PLAN!!! When will I EVER REALLY LEARN THIS?!
Regardless of this truth, 48 hours ago was nothing short of CRUSHING. It forced me into a space where not only was I resentful and utterly FILLED with sorrow, but I actually wasn't even so sure I wanted this anymore. I found myself in a DARK space of 'What are we going to do?!...'Why did we want this???...and 'What good is this for, now?!' My 'fairytale story'--my 'perfect last chapter' was--shattered.
K, now that we've seen the seriously FLAWED side of the human look at this...let's all take a pause...regroup and get a handle on God's reality in all of this!!!
THIS BABY IS A MIRACLE.
As in...Dr. Page said like 6% possibility MIRACLE.
THIS BABY IS our next chapter.
HE is NOT a mistake.
HE was CREATED IN ME, AGAINST ALL ODDS, FOR A VERY SPECIFIC PURPOSE.
Do I KNOW what that purpose is yet? Nope. But I DO know that it is extraordinarily--as in OUTSIDE OF THIS WORLD--IMPORTANT. Not because he is mine. Not because he is within our family. But because he is within GOD'S GREAT PLAN and breaking all the bounds to exist in the first place!
He is GOD'S Son. And for me to sit and mourn him when he is HEALTHILY (also against ALL ODDS!) growing and forming inside of me, in this VERY MOMENT THAT I TYPE, is sheer madness!!!!!!! And do you know why it's madness? Because ALL that I asked for was the chance to do this again.
YES, I WANT A DAUGHTER.
Somehow. I'm afraid no matter how many farewell letters I type to said heart-daughter, that will NEVER CHANGE.
But THIS...this new son of mine is UNrelated to that matter. The Lord has impressed upon me, just in the past 10 hours that this baby boy...he has NOTHING to do with that desire. All of our assumptions in what God was doing were just that.
Assumptions. Worldly views that, somehow, I will not be 'complete' or have all of my 'needs met' if I this baby wasn't a girl.
That. That is just madness.
God does NOT make mistakes.
This baby IS what it was ordained to be from the beginning of time.
He is a NEW LIFE. One with a FULL STORY. And HIS story is JUST BEGINNING--even if he is MY 'last chapter,' he has his own book that will pick up where mine leaves off--and his story is not born from a 'perfect' one, it's born from a REAL one. One ENVELOPED in God's Promises.
As far as my 'need' for a daughter. God is mysterious. He KNOWS our heart's desires, but He ALSO knows that our heart's can be deceiving. What He knows most importantly is what our needs are according to HIS PLAN FOR US. He knows our family NEEDS this little boy. I don't even know the ways in which we need him, now...but what I can tell you is that I cannot now, in any way shape or form, see our lives without the fulfillments of Grayson and Lincoln.
This baby is no different. We don't yet know what needs we all have that he will soon be meeting.
So the hourly tears of grief and loss...they need to be done. I have not lost ANYTHING--yet only GAINED something I was never supposed to have in the first place.
I get to have ANOTHER CHANCE to snuggle a warm, precious little one. To rock and song and set up a nursery and re-aquire the things I thought I'd never get to need to have, again. And I get the opportunity to do all of these things as a older, MUCH WISER, much DEEPER IN CHRIST mama to a truly important future Man of God.
What MORE could I really, truly ask for.