Hard to believe we're going into our third day as temporary 'Eugene-ites,' and today marked my first, official completed week of radiation. There's a part of me that wants to say 'time flies' but it's torn with the flip side of feeling like 'time can't fly fast enough, right now!'
PLEASE don't misunderstand me...
I have not lost sight of living in and for the moment.
I also do not take for granted--AT ALL--the blessing of our family who have welcomed us so lovingly and generously into their space and home (or as they keep telling me, 'our second home') during this time.
But I'd be flat out lying if I didn't admit that I'm ALREADY homesick.
I know.
It's pathetic. But I have no control over it.
I suppose the factor of having to be here without daddy doesn't help with that. OUT of our 'normal' routine (whatever that is, anymore) and in different beds--comfy enough, but different--every night.
Just feels more like a weekend visit--only not, since daddy was left behind. Well that, and I go in everyday to receive high levels of radiation to my body, ha! :-P
Still, I am trying sooooo hard to remind myself that we're on an adventure---it's what I tell the boys, too---though I think they are 'buying it' as much as I am. :-/
After talking with hubby tonight on the phone about crazy-scary finances with me hardly working and the future 'endless surgeries,' I found myself in a bit of a pity-party. Perusing facebook to see the countless newly expectant-mothers and/or families relocating/moving, and/or job raises/changes/progressions with people...ALL in my 'age group'...didn't help, either. People all around me just casually and joyfully moving forward with the stage of life that comes with our youth. Thinking ahead to MY future just involves more cancer. Being on endless drugs and infusion-regimens and having future boob-reconstruction surgeries--all with the hopes of never dealing with a remission-----I'm beginning to wonder how people get BACK to just... Life.. and LIVING IT... and I'm also beginning to understand why some *many* people just 'throw in the towel' on cancer-management for the years and years after initial treatment phases--especially with my type.
Oh, bah.
This post is FULL of depression, haha. I'm sorry for that.
Let's see. Something UPlifting??
Well, radiation is going well. The great news is that I have absolutely NO dermititis yet, yay! It is fully expected to show up--doc told me today that's likely after weeks two or three that I'll start looking and feeling sun-burnt--but she still expects my skin to bounce back well from it. So THAT'S good! :)
I can't really think of anything else right now.
I apologize for my lack of attention to the blog. I think about posts a LOT but just don't find the time to sit and type very often, right now. I know you understand, but I'm sorry, regardless.
Prayer requests are again, specific:
Pray for our little family right now as being apart all week long is NOT easy.
Pray for God's provisions with our bills and just figuring out how to even better manage our expenses on one income.
Pray for my radiation and the effects it has on my skin--that those be minimal and not too painful.
Thank you, everyone for your on-going messages of love and encouragement---they mean more right now than you may know~
Hayley, my name is Shannon, I met you at Layla's birthday party in Coquille. I wanted to tell you that when I met you, I was struck by how sincere, sweet, and kind you are. I am heartick for what you are going through. Nobody deserves cancer, especially not you! Your faith and your positiveness, even when don't think you are, is so inspiring. I pray that you kick this in the booty, and are able to get back to "just" being a mommy and wife soon. Good luck with radiation. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet family. Good luck! Love, Shannon Fisher
ReplyDeleteHi Hayley,
ReplyDeleteIt's Barby. I just wanted to send you a hug...a giant hug, from me and from Sean. We think of you so often and are praying for you...'specific' and general prayers.
I am now working full-time and Sean has graduated high school and is onward to the University of Nevada. A success story coming from a survivor. Yes, being a survivor is a very strange feeling and hearing other peoples' stories is hard...but living is pretty awesome! There is so much to see and do and give. And eventually, you will forget about all of this. The first day that you don't think about it at all is wonderful! You'll see.
I am so very thankful that we have you in our lives and we love your family too. Hang in there and take care of YOU. We love you!
Hi Hayley,
ReplyDeleteI have been a follower of your blog and have posted you messages before. My husband is the one with AML and is at OHSU this week for a stem cell transplant. I don't know if it is possible for you but when my husband got sick last April we applied for disability fully expecting to be denied - and he was at every level until it got before a judge. They use certain "listings" that you have to meet to be eligible. Here is the link to the cancer listings: http://www.ssa.gov/disability/professionals/bluebook/13.00-NeoplasticDiseases-Malignant-Adult.htm#13_10. Check the breast cancer one and see if you might qualify even if it is temporary. We only had one income the entire time Rick has been sick and he didn't have health insurance for the first month he was sick and admitted to OHSU last year. He got his first disability payment today and it is a true blessing to our financial situation. Also, it is worth getting an attorney if you decide to pursue it and you are denied initially. We used Mark Manning in Eugene and he got paid only if Rick won and then the payment came out of his back pay. So you don't have to worry about paying an attorney out of the family funds you have coming in now. Mr. Manning was amazing as was his staff. We couldn't have done it without them. I tell you all of this because I understand 110% where you are coming from about finances and how stressful and depressing it can be. Nobody told us in the beginning about disability and it is going to help us so much now! Keep strong, I look to you and your situation as inspiration for me and my husband. You handle this situation with such grace and faith in the Lord that it helps ground me and remember that He is in control, not me!
Remember.... when this journey began so many months ago and at the moment the diagnosis came you and we all too with you, had the full realization that we had, up until that moment in time, been living as though life would just go on day to day, month to month, year to year, as we perceived anyway, according to our thoughtful planning? How black and white our lives in an instant became? As time goes on we as humans will always by the nature of our constitution slip back into this thought of future and not the present moment right? So, the grace we have received from this situation continues to be, that this day, today, this morning, this moment, is another grace filled and God given day to gain something more of Him, a day to invest in the eternal, a moment to lose a little more of our self, our self drive, aim, ambition, shortness, etc. and gain a little more of Him, His life, His love, His joy, His care, His desire, His need..... as I have realized more and more, this bodily prison we are in is meant to produce sweetness and bring us into the full maturity unto His coming.... I love you dear girl. We are together arm locked in this walk, at this moment, in this life on earth as we know it. ".... walk in wisdom... redeeming the time..." Love you more than worlds. Mama nana
ReplyDeleteHayley,
ReplyDeletePity party is ok and a good deep hard heartfelt cry can drain you and let you start again. You have been awesome thru all of this and I am amazed at you strength, faith and indomitable spirit. I am not a person of faith but to hear and mentally see you thru your pictures and blogs makes me acknowledge that you are more then just your physical self. You do have something about you that I guess could be "being filled with a spirit". Hang on beautiful young lady you have got what it takes. LOVE.