A) I have been forced into the mind-set of a heterosexual male when it comes to thinking/fantasizing about and/or noticing breasts.
B) This hike has, in the sheer blink of an eye, detoured from 'cancer mountain' to 'boob-hill.'
Officially/Unofficially we received the 'That we know of, as of today, you are cancer-free' speech today from our oncologist...a fantastic (albeit cautiously received) piece of news--and one that instantly spit us out at the beginning of trail 'reconstruction,' where it's all about BOOBS.
At the risk of freaking any of you who see me in person, it dawned on me just today--while our OHSU day was primarily focused on the topic--how suddenly aware and even somewhat intrigued I am by breasts, all around me. Now, to bring your eyes back down to their normal size, ladies, I will provide you with an analogy that will clear up any and all awkwardness--or at least I hope it will. ;)
It's like before you're a mommy, yet biologically and emotionally 'know' you are ready to become one--you can't go ANYWHERE without being pulled to the baby-gear aisle, the baby-clothes racks or even the live, pregnant-belly behind you in the check-out line. You're simple ga-ga over the thought and anything related to the subject draws you in and captures your full, undivided attention.
Well, that's kind of like me right now, (though scaled down a bit), and after recognizing and then admitting this recent 'obsession' to myself, it dawned on me...it is normal to have this heightened awareness because I am now, already and officially in that space of 'redesigning' what I had to give up completely. Especially since whatever we recreate will really have no other purpose or function but aesthetic and personal, I am a bit overwhelmed yet surprisingly intrigued at the idea of playing 'God' (just on a silly level of course) with what I "get" once this is all over. Mind you, I am not gloating or trying to sound too thrilled by this--as I'd still give up almost anything to just never of had cancer and have to lose my real more functional ones as well as all other aspects of life from this difficult journey. BUT, if there is any, one worldly positive that I might allow myself to superficially and trivially enjoy from this, why not let it be this. ;)
Whether wonky hormones, shaky nerves, sheer exhaustion of this whole thing, or a combination of the three, this past weekend I found myself near tears during a few scenes that a very young Jamie Lee Curtis's beautiful, nude breasts were flashed during an older comedy movie we were watching on Netflix. Though I don't think Aaron noticed (I was holding it in as best as possible), it was really hitting some emotional nerves---not that my breasts ever looked that good anyway---but just even the idea of having REAL ones and knowing I will never have that again.
Today, while between post-op follow-up appointments, we headed down to one of the hospital cafe's and ordered a little light lunch to tide over the late-morning/early afternoon 'brunch' hunger-hour. Without even thinking much about it (or trying to at all), I found myself examining every single female in the room--whether at a table or just innocently walking by. Poor things...had no idea what the twisted, breastless-chick 'innocently' eating her bagel sandwich was thinking about them:
'Wonder if those are real?' *gnaws off a bite of bagel* 'What size bra does she wear?' *chomps on said bite for prolonged period of time* (and even the admitted meaner thoughts), 'My original ones were definitely bigger than those. Maybe she's just starting expanders like me? Hope for her sake she is.'
Of course then those other even more evil thoughts:
'Why couldn't SHE have cancer?!' 'Why does SHE get to keep her real ones?!'
*And don't even get me started on what went through my mind upon noticing the huge-boobed, pregnant lady standing in line.
The terrible things rolling around the fallen mind.
I'm sorry. I really am.
Probably being too honest in this particular post...but oh well.]
Poor Aaron. Sitting innocently by my side, enjoying lunch with his quiet, 'contemplative' wife. Of course, he knows me plenty well enough after 13 years of best-friend-ship to know 'quiet' is not my 'normal state' anyway so his mind had to of been swarming with theories of what I was thinking.
I promise you this...ALL my thoughts are a new, deep topic of prayer. I invite you to even pray for me as I'll be praying for myself that God guard my heart and my mind from such jealousy evil wishing.
1 Corinthians says: For you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not behaving only in a human way?
I don't want this...for myself, for the testimony God is trying to gift me in this, and also for the barriers that it allows the Devil to build up between myself and other people who may otherwise become a positive part of this whole journey. Who am I to limit God's movement and directive simply due to my fallen self and sinful, jealous heart?
I'm binding these thoughts--the evil ones, anyway--and I promise you that I will not act like a crazy boob-a-holic if/when you and I interact. ;) I've already figured out, just after today, that this recent awareness of boobs is a short-lived phase due to the newness of our seemingly endless car treks north being about cancer and CANCER ALONE. There is just a twinge of fun in having it be about something else, if even just for this brief window of time.
Don't get me wrong, either--gaining my new 'set' is no cup of tea--so don't go getting all jealous and 'human' on me! :-P
Today involved pain. Tonight involves quite the level of discomfort.
And ultimately, aside from this momentary detour, this journey still is ALL ABOUT CANCER...and we still run the risk of going through this, having the cancer re-surface, having to have the reconstruction all removed and start all over again. They gave us packets of info on these risks today, in fact. They are there and they are REAL.
But, as my sweet, soft-spoken oncologist preached today...I can't afford to live out the rest of my days (no matter how short or long they are), bound by fear. Now, I have to begin the thought process of getting back to, living.
Fact: I will have the 'threat' of cancer, lingering, for the rest of my life.
Fact: I will check-mark boxes about illnesses, medical side-effects, drug-lists and surgeries that I never did before, for the rest of my life.
Fact: I will see doctors and schedule and attend medical appointments on a regular basis, for the rest of my life.
Myth: I have control over the rest of my life.
Fact: I, AS WELL AS YOU, HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ANY PART OF OUR LIVES.
Now there's a thought process that supersedes my flesh--and one that I'm praying God will help me to simply abide in.
So, please...learn from my experience...learn from the blessing of wisdom God has granted me and live for TODAY.
Stop living with the 'need' to plan for tomorrow...or worse yet, weeks, months and even years from now. EMBRACE what you have--what God has given you. Don't just 'count your blessings'...take them away in your thoughts and ask yourself where you'd be without them. I guarantee you'll gain a whole new level of appreciation for what gifts He's granted you and have a lot harder time complaining about the things He hasn't, that you 'deserve' to have, still.
Ladies, someday soon, you'll put on your bra and then your shirt...and no matter how big or small, saggy, stretch-marky or shriveled by your little breast-feeders or simple aging your boobs are--you'll thank God for them and for your health.
At least you should.
...and in the meantime, (when all is over and passed), I will do the same...
I'll look at my fake ones and think 'Thank you Lord for letting me live another day'
mine will still be perky. ;)
*slaps hand* Bad flesh! Bad, bad!!~
OH... and just for your silly, viewing pleasure...
a pic of my current boob-LESS body in my Hooters tank from over the weekend.