This past few days, I've hit my max... or what feels like another limit...with everything.
God and I had it out this afternoon. I'm not gonna lie.
My heart--and even my vocal chords--SCREAMED Him out!
Thursday evening I heard from my C-sister about how her follow-up/post-op appointments went--and perhaps that was the start of my growing animosity--(not that I haven't had plenty of those feelings this past almost seven months, now, but it definitely started rearing it's head again after that conversation.) Being that I'm coming up on my own of those very appointments in two days, I was cautious but curious at the same time and therefore eager to get the low-down.
Amy had good news and bad news for me. Of course, I deduct after hearing that she really had one good-news and two bad-news.
The good news: She had a drain removed--ONE dreaded, irritating, thick, long tube--stitched into already sensitive areas of our hackey-wacked bodies--was removed.
GOOD RIDDANCE! :)
However, the first of the bad news was that the other horrid, wretched drain (Are you sensing just how much I detest these things?!) had to stay until Monday--my day. We both smiled for a minute at the possibility of our appointments overlapping...but I mainly just felt sick for her that she had to put up with the horrid thing for another three days! Poor friend. :(
She then went on to tell me the biggest news we've both been anticipating--the news of the path reports. I'd prayed so diligently, so forcefully, even, that God just give Amy (and me, come Monday)
Haven't we already endured enough?! Haven't we both been through so much already?
Lives changed FOREVER. Bodies broken. Testimonies written and shared.
I pleaded this all week... in every baby-step of painful surgery-recovery.
Every night of laying cautiously and unnaturally on my back, still as a nervous field mouse...
PLEASE Lord...let THIS be the end of our hike.
Through straight-forward text...the news came.
Amy: 'Yeah, and I guess I do have to have radiation.'
I'm not going to tell you the kind of out of control anger that boiled up in me at that moment--put yourself in our shoes and I really don't think I have to. Naughty words speared through my brain (and yes, a few of them came out in my rage-fest with God today.
But hey...He knows I'm thinking them, anyway, right?!
3-5 weeks, every day of radiation!?!!
As I've already non-chalantly said to family and friends in conversation--I'm now expecting to hear the same, and then if it's not, I'll just be pleasantly surprised. Of course, what I really feel in my gut while saying this with a calm, collected demeanor are the previously typed naughty words, again.
In my 'fight' with God tonight I said to Him, 'I know you made me a fighter, Lord and I know everyone around me keeps saying, 'Oh Hayley, you're putting up such a good fight. You're doing so good. Keep it up!'... but I BEG OF YOU...how much more fight do you think I have?!!
Keep it up??? WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO!!!
What if I'm done?! What if this is beginning to feel like a never-ending battle that involves me battling for what remaining days I have left of LIFE?!
I look around me and I see everyone just moving forward with their happy-go-lucky, 'planned out' lives, and I'm that much more infuriated. I don't want to feel that way... but I do... and it's just so hard right now to feel otherwise. Who of them, my age... my 'stage' of life... has to go in for the next year, every three weeks and receive an hour's worth of more drug infusions? Who of them has been CUT OFF, unwillingly, of producing any more children? Who of them just had their once scarless body all hacked up?? Who of them has to be on the drugs and have a pill-box for the rest of their young life?
WHY ME, Lord?!!?!?!
WHY. ME. ??????????
Then, a song that my husband has recently 'inspired' my children with on boys-outing car-rides by the Christian band Skillet, called 'Sick Of It' (which I haven't even heard except via my little men's hilarious 're-inactments' of it) popped into my head and I shouted out, "I'M SICK OF IT... I'M SICK OF ALL OF IT!!!!!! And I'm DONE...... you hear me, DONE, Lord!!!"
There was a silence, minus my uncontrolled sobbing as I lay, curled up, on my bed. I found myself soaking my pretty asian-inspired duvet with salt, once again, and even thought to myself for a moment... I'm even sick of THIS...I'm really not a crier... at least I didn't use to be one, such as late.
Funny thing about me having it out with God is that every time I do, it's right after the anger bursts and the flood-gates let loose that He responds.
I laid there, thinking in my heart... Don't you DARE respond lovingly... calmly. I'm angry at you and I need to fight. I need you to convince me why. Why this. Why ME.
Then. He spoke...
Not with His usual, reassuring, soft, patient tone... but with a firm parent-like, reprimanding one.
'HAYLEY, my daughter. Stop flattering yourself!'
'Firstly, let me remind you that 'your body' isn't yours. I paid quite a hefty price for it, and don't you dare even begin to let your fallen-flesh forget that--especially since you preach that Good Word to others so often through the testimony I'm giving you.
Secondly, you say 'You're sick of it?!', but again...this is not about you.
You are not the one at the very front of this hike. If you'd stop trying to fight and simply open your mouth and ask Me to fight it for you, we'd be headed in the direction I intend for you--and you could really, truly (not just with your words or daily 'inspired moments') but TRULY, begin accepting... embracing and rejoicing in the Eternal changes that I am using this journey for.
If you could just stop. Look.'
Look. To. Me. The way Christ did to the very last breath He took as every last ounce of his human blood poured from him and every last inch of his flesh was torn away while he suffered at wordly hands and finally hung from that tree.'
'Daughter. I know this is painful for your flesh. I know the fight you are facing... but please, do not make it into a fight that it is not. Right now... you are fighting with only yourself when you focus on the worldly aspects of this journey.
Focus on Me, instead. Stop looking for 'the end of the trail'--stop trying to put a limit on your 'situation' and stop looking at this as a curse.
Why You, you ask?
Just like your earthly parents (and even you as a mother now) have embraced the saying, 'Because I said so'... I say to you now, out of pure LOVE--the same reason all who ever asked of me, 'Lord, let me be Your vessel'--
'Because I am your father... and I chose so. That's why.'
And just like I tell my own two little guys when they ask 'why' to our requiring of something (even though their are always bigger, deeper reasons for it), when we find no pertinence or necessity to 'go into those details' and we use that phrase...their 'place' is to accept it...simply say 'ok' and follow suit with their biblical placement as our children, trusting that mommy & daddy have good reasons that are in their best interest.
So...What would I be but a complete hypocrite if not also an extremely disobedient daughter to not do the same in response~