You all know about my drains from the last post where I introduced you to their 'role' of surgery recovery and expressed my genuine distain for them as well as the general idea of large things poking in/through the human body. Sorry many aunties, cousins and friends of mine who do the good works of nursing without a mere wince at blood, protrusions and fluids...i personally can't stomach the thought of these, let alone look at them.
In the last few days, I've hit my wall again--you know, the one where I've had enough of all this recovery stuff. More pills, multiple times every day and all night...awkward sleep positions, waddling about the house in order to fight gravities evil pull against fresh wounds and irritated drain sites, going through 5 extra precautionary steps just to take a 5-minute shower (you should see the 'necklace' my mama invented to hold my drains during it!)
Anyway, it's no secret that my general mood has been less than happy--feeling stuck inside these four walls, watching as my fabulous nurse-maid mama carries out the same house-chores literally all day long. Sometimes I think it feels like the movie, The Truman Show, where everything surrounding me feels routined and 'rehearsed' while I'm just stuck in the middle, going the motions I'm being told to.
Needless to say, I realized today--when my drains sites were itchier and more irritated than ever, that my moodiness is directly stemming from feelings of insanity.
Now before you go all jumping on the 'But you're almost there/you've almost made it band-wagon'...just hear me out. When your body is in the midst of putting up with these awful things, the word 'almost' translates to 'not quick enough' for me, right now.
Is this a pity-party?
Why yes. It is.
A bit.
But the nice thing about using these entries for myself is that I'll vent/cry/say it and then...
I'M OVER IT.
There. See?
I'm now over it. :)
So what now?
Pray for me that these wretched things get to come out this coming Monday, at our post-op check-ups. :) (Because if they don't, this Drain-Brain may do something rash and attempt removing them myself!)
But, I'm believing they'll be ready. ;)
And since I'm always trying to find at least one good from each circumstance, when it comes to my drains (other than their very real and important purpose of preventing an infection!), I am left pondering three.
The first: This has confirmed my inspiration to insert a 'tips' section into my book, someday... and you'd better believe that a portion of that section will cover how we've figured out daily 'dealings' with the drains and include at least one tutorial and picture concerning my lovely 'shower-necklace' of bodily fluid, ha!
The second: Like chemo and pregnancy, I'm convinced that surgery drains cause brain lapse. And even if they don't...I've already confirmed that people allow you to say and think just about anything you want when you've hiked a mountain such as this. Therefore, I'll gladly use this as just another excuse--
"Sorry, I have drain-brain, on top of chemo-brain and baby-brain x two! ;)
The third and final: Yet another good dose of perspective!
Some people have to wear drains/fluid catchers/catheters/etc their whole lives.
I will of had to wear two, for just two weeks.
Ha!
~Now if that isn't a dose of 'SHUT YOUR WHINEY PIE-HOLE'...
Good job. You are climbing a mountain. It is hard and really hurts. You do not need to be positive and upbeat every day. Good job venting and not sugar coating how crappy cancer is! When I am in pain or a dark fog the things that lift me up are beauty, laughter, and love from friends and family. For beauty I ask you to look at the flowers declaring spring, for laughter, please look up the funniest laugh ever on utube ( only if it does not hurt to laugh) and for love, I send you memories of our deep bone crushing twirling hugs
ReplyDeleteLove
Kate
Hayley, you are simply inspiring. I often feel ill and tired but I see what you and other friends of mine do while dealing with cancer and other illnesses. Pulls my head right out of my rear. As people say, each person handles stresses differently. Your body is healing so of course you are drained. Glucose stores are used to fuel the healing in your body and your brain functions more slowly because of that. Just know it's not an excuse. It's a reality. I hope things continue to go well. My friend said your upbeat attitude and faith are things that make is "easier" for some than others. Be safe and don't push too hard. I know that is difficult for you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
KAT
You don't know me.. But, I have watched your incredible strength though this trial. Indeed, it is more of a test then one should have to endure and it is miserable. One day you will look back and be glad you had the power to deal with brain drain. Now, you go ahead and scream, cry stomp and be angry..You ARE A WARRIOR AND YOU WILL WIN!!
ReplyDeleteCarol Mathis continuing to say prayers for you.