I have been working on this blog for a few weeks, now. Though the epiphany hit me months ago, it's definitely been one of those percolating thought processes. Of course, it's also been one large part basic procrastination...though not by my desire, rather more by life's forced agenda.
But whatever the case, tonight I finally took the time to finish it up, so here it is.
Depression is a crazy thing.
Being that I 'entered' the cancer world a pretty happy-natured person whom rarely knew the definition of depression other than watching close loved ones struggle with it from time-to-time, it and me were about as familiar with each other as oil and water. Because of this fact, it took my husband saying something to me about it recently to realize *and maybe even admit!* that it had decided to become that pesky solicitor on my doorstep. Not becoming a bonafide acquaintance , rather, just an unwelcome pest.
The first thing I noticed was my tendency to try and dwell in the 'what was life before cancer' realm. As any survivor knows, this is your where your will and potential future go to die. NOT a good place to visit. And CERTAINLY not a good place to choose for a vacation. Bad. Bad. Bad. But as any survivor also knows, it's like your mind and heart are lured there by something. Maybe partially amidst the fear of adjustment. Maybe partially because there is still some denial. I really don't know why. I just know that it's like dealing with a curious child--the more you are told by others *and even yourself* to 'let it go'... the harder it is to do so. Though you may still be here, in the flesh, to 'wear the badge' of survivorship, there's been a death. A death of all things understood, adjusted to, balanced and comfortable in what life was.
The second thing I noticed was how the very thing I loved doing most when on a computer--social-networking--with all those from all walks of my life, thus far, was feeding my tendency to feel depressed. Not only has/is seeing everyone else's lives plow forward amidst what is their unchanged understandings, adjustments, balance and comfort a cause of mourning *selfish as it is*, but feeling as though, suddenly, I didn't have much positive to really say or share... And began making me feel as though the cancer had not just crushed my old norm, but had successfully *without my conscious awareness of it* stolen a piece of ME away forever, too. The part of me who KNOWS me to be joy-filled in many if not most areas of my life.
This struggle seemed to worsen every new gift of a day I was given. Until one morning, just a few weeks ago, I shouted *literally* at God about it... I told him how IF I am to believe all that I have preached and I am to seek just Him for my source of joy *again, as I have testified over the past year* Why, Lord... why I am still being SO ATTACKED!?
Let me tell you *as I think I've said at least once before*, when the Lord answers you with his 'dad' tone, it's intense. For me it's like... take the 'mom look' and times it by twenty and you get God's booming dad-voice. It makes me kind of shudder to even type about it, honestly.
There, in my bed, in my pj's amidst my anger, the Lord asked me one very important question. He said to me... 'Hayley, Who is your audience?'
Now I know it sounds TOTALLY dorky to say this, but the first thought that my spirit said back was 'Whose your daddy?' hahaha.
Told you. Dorky. But after giggling out loud for a second I realized...wait a minute. It's not WHOSE my daddy. It's HE'S my daddy. And then it hit. And it hit me sooooo hard *two-by-four-hard* that it hurt me to tears. In a good way.
The things I've been mourning *ALL circumstances* only really matter most when I put them into the context of 'who' witnesses them.
So then I asked myself...
What is it, really, about this 'new normal' that is most difficult for me. I mean, in some ways, it's a gift to get a 'clean slate' to start life with. Even a 'new' body...how I've been trying to look at my body, recently. *Another blog soon to come* So what really makes this whole piece of recent survivorship so difficult? And why is it that when I look all around me and compare my life to others who have NOT survived cancer *or some other life-changing trauma* I feel at my peek depression?
Thank you, again, Lord for speaking clearly. Something He's faithfully done throughout this whole journey after I pleaded on my hands and knees *more than once* in a sort of 'barter-deal' that He'd always do. Just MAKE THE PATH CLEAR. Not easy. Not without scars. Not without change.
And yet again, He has.
Whose my audience, Lord? Whose the absolute ONLY audience that I need strive for, rejoice in, mingle with and live within?
And funny as it may seem *or not so much*, since I've stopped caring so much about the social-networking scene and family and friends lives all around me and instead, focused MORE on Him being who I strive to 'impress' and gain 'favor' with--which ironically isn't necessary AT ALL--
I am, once again, renewed, refreshed and replenished with joy.
And that depression? When it rears it's ugly head *or tries* throughout parts of my day, I stare it back and say...
Talk to the daddy~