Dear Daughter~

This is a letter I typed a while ago when it became totally real that we will not be able to have anymore babies, due to this journey. My mama's-heart was extremely sad from this news, but even more disheartening was the realization that I will never get the chance to have a daughter--something that has always meant a lot to me, even as a child, years ago.
This letter is just a prayer, not intended to sound ungrateful for the gifts that I already have, rather just an expression of my heart--the loss that is present there from knowing I may never get to share a mother-daughter relationship, which I know, from experience, is just a different kind of special~
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I spent so much of my childhood envisioning you...
dreaming about the relationship we'd have, innocently mirroring the one Nana and I have, also, as mother and daughter.

When I married daddy *with his Norwegian roots* my dreams of you became even more perfected...
even more detailed.

You were to be born bald, cause that's just the McGee/Ziebart curse--though both of your brother's proved that even a little skiff of dark hair was possible against all other odds. But by the time you were a year old, you had beautiful soft, shiny blonde locks...and you inherited your daddy's pretty blue eyes, like your brother Lincoln.

Blonde haired, blue-eyed... soft, and meek.
This is how mommy saw you in dreams.

Other physical aspects that both of your brother's received from us were yours, too. Long, beautiful fingers ('piano hands,' as our family calls them), the charming, blue eyes that I already mentioned... though yours I think were even bigger than the boys'...glassier and rounder, too. Ears like mommy's, that stuck out just enough to make you, what I call, 'cartoon cute,' even though I detested mine as a little girl. Sorry, but you got them, anyway. :-P

Things you possessed all your own are a bit foggy for me still. Some I can see, others I used to tell myself would be revealed once you existed beyond mommy's heart. You did have a soft voice though--maybe something that you got from daddy--but I still like to 'hear' it and think that it really was just yours, uniquely. You also had your own very special ability to reach your daddy's core in a way that none of us other three possibly could. I see you so clearly, with your tiny femininity, climbing quietly onto your daddy's lap, melting him without a single word--his strong hands tenderly holding you close on his thigh as he pulls down your cute little dress with his other hand to preserve your precious modesty.
This, perhaps, I am mourning the most...never getting the chance to witness this.

You see...
your brother's are the biggest most undeserved blessing that God has given daddy and me and we cherish them beyond anything else in this world. But you only ever lived in my mommy's heart--and my desire for you was perhaps completely and utterly selfish...what I dreamed of having the opportunity to experience. The deepest part me daydreamed about doing your hair in the many 'do's' I very purposely learned on my barbies and baby-dolls as an early adolescent. It's pathetic perhaps that I can even close my eyes and feel your soft strands of baby-hair in between my fingers as I french-braid it. But it's there...I can't help it because you are just too real.

I know typing this to you is pretty silly...maybe even ludicrous and selfish to some...but it helps me to 'paint' you with real words so that I can let you go and hopefully let my heart finally rest.
I can focus on your two, beautiful brother's and how fortunate I am to have such gifts.
I can embrace my two, beautiful niece's and let them fill some of the void that dreams of you created.

But before I do dear, sweet daughter of my heart, I just need you to know something very important...

I love you.

I started loving you long, long ago...

and I never stopped. 

I adored you.
I was proud of you.
I wanted you and still do.
I could never see our family fully 'complete' without you.
I dreamt of you through every beautiful mother and daughter I saw at the park or the store.


But since I can't have you, I pray that God creates you anyway... and that you are born, somewhere out there, to a mommy completely deserving of you... who raises you to know your Awesome, Heavenly Father, and treats you like the beautiful, little angel that you really are.

And maybe, if I'm lucky enough, our life-path's will cross...just so that I get the chance to see, with my earthly eyes, what a true beauty you are.

And if and when that day comes and the circumstances in which your mommy and I meet are more personal and sweet...I really hope I can braid your hair~
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Mouse below this line to hear a song that a former-student wrote based on this post:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mXEMHSPsV8