Why so private and formal?

Ok, so lately I've had something really consuming my thoughts... much of which I've just been contributing to chapters of my book... but, for whatever reason, I feel very compelled to share this subject on here. So here it goes.

BTW, before you jump on the 'to each his own' or 'it's just a difference in personality' devil's-advocate wagon with this, just hear me out.


When your world is suddenly rocked with the thought process and perspective that tomorrow may not come, you can't help but lose some formality in the way you conduct your days.

Ok, ok. Let's be honest. Pretty much ALL of that formality becomes obsolete.

For example, you call me at 10am and say 'Hey, I'm in town for the day... can I stop by in the next twenty minutes, even just to say hi and give a hug?' My response: ABSOLUTELY! Be forewarned I won't just probably be... I WILL be in my pajamas (some of which are secondhand and granny-ish, as they fit the bill for that post-double mastectomy surgery, not long ago), my house may or may not be clean, my kids will also probably be in *much cuter, mind you* their pj's.... and *my description for my crazy afro-curly/frizzy morning-hair is Kramer--you know, Seinfeld* is also promised, so expect to have that burn your eyes out seconds after you knock on my front door.
But here's the funniest part. I'm telling you all this on here, yet, if you really do ask to pop in on me, *unless I have some horrible illness I don't want to pass to you, or just am not and will not be at home (which is highly unlikely at 10am), you will receive an eager YES and nothing more.
Why is this funny?
Two years ago I would of not only apologized profusely for all aforementioned realities, but even gone so far as to make up some kind of blanketed excuse as to why I 'reeeeeeeally need' you to come a little later... even if just an hour... just so I could then frantically run all around my OWN, COMFORTABLE SPACE and make it and myself look presentable........ even appealing, so as to make a 'good impression' on you.

Ok. Now. RAISE YOUR HAND IF THIS IS YOU. *Yes, I know you're sitting at your computer and yes I know maybe I need to tone down the teacher in me... but seriously.* You need to physically acknowledge this utter waste of time and true relationships!!!

I've really racked my brain over this one. Can you tell?! I've tried soooooo hard to give us all a reasonable excuse for this behavior, but unless you are living like a hoarder-episode *in which case you'll need a lot more than one hour* I just... I got nothin.'

Let me just turn the tables for a second. Do you honestly think, if/when I contact you.. wanting to SEE YOU.. that I care whether or not your bathroom hand-towels are fresh? Or whether or not there are dirty dishes sitting in your sink? Sure, I may notice how beautifully clean your house is if you DO insist on being the cleaning-psycho that put me off for an hour.. but how totally UNreal are we already kicking our time off with each other?! In fact, I'm all for a new movement with this. It's called 'let me visit you and help you do some of those things WHILE we chat, if you are so desperate to do them, and be equally blessed by our time with one together!' What a concept.

Do you think that Jesus was so formal? Whether visiting someone OR being visited by someone?

And I haven't even touched yet on how true to THIS WORLD, ONLY that this behavior is. Heaven will have no time. Heaven will have no formality. We will be brought to light and as raw as it gets!!!

Privacy and formality is a whacky concept that seems to consume us in this life. We say and do things with the main intention of 'impression'... even on people we don't know that well! Look at my new car. Look at my big house. Look at me getting promoted in my important job, again. Sure, I am aware that this has more to do with an attitude of humility.. or lack thereof.. but it's still related. Why do you feel you have to apologize for your kids' nap-time possibly interfering with a visit? Why do you think it necessary to skate around looking through my cupboards for a glass or looking in my fridge because you truly need a snack or want something other than water? Yes, I appreciate manners... but at some point *much shorter than most now, I think* I prefer real. Formality and need for extreme 'privacy,' I have decided, come out of ego--self... and self wants to please and impress OTHERS.

I think the bible leaves no room for error in this matter...
Love your neighbor as yourself, putting all others first. Open your heart and your dwelling places. SERVE. Be kind. Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord. Fellowship with one another.

Really now. Do we really need MORE?! There certainly are at least a hundred more, but I feel it entirely unnecessary to continue spouting.

So what is my rambling point??

Challenge yourself this week. Not just to 'say a kind word' or 'do a nice thing'... but really... challenge yourself to open your house or something 'private' up to those around you.
SEIZE EVERY OPPORTUNITY you get to fellowship, pray with and just be surrounded by others whom need you.. or you need.. or BOTH! Seize without excuses. Apologies. Or stories.

I know it's hard for some of you who've never stared death in the face, but tell yourself, last night's dirty-dishes in that sink aren't worth putting this off. In fact, that's just about the most ridiculous excuse to make, assuming, that opportunity arises again after they are taking care of.
Assumption is yet another topic that's been lurking in my heart lately. More on that later.


Meantime... don't you have someone you need to go invite over for coffee and fellowship in your pj's, tomorrow morning?

More Foob Talk...

Well folks.
It's now been three whole weeks and a day since surgery #2--the ol' expander/implant switcheroo--and I gotta say, it's interesting.
Those of you who've followed this blog as 'long-timers' know that when I use the word 'interesting,' I feel pretty neutral about the subject at hand--and that definitely applies here.

I don't DISLIKE the foobs. But honestly, I'm not fond of them, either. I haven't decided whether some of that has to do with the fact that the surgery glue is still greatly intact and things are still somewhat 'in progress' from the final result that will eventually 'be'...or whether I just, literally, am not going to ever like them that I feel so unsettled.

Sure, some of it probably has to do with the fact that absolutely NOTHING will take away (or give back what this past year took away) *depending on how you want to look at it* the raw fact that I. HAD. CANCER.
That will always be the case.
Things will never be the same.
NOT having some form of boobs will remind me. But I didn't expect HAVING some form of boobs to be just as much a reminder. I suppose I hoped that they'd just help me to embrace my 'new me' more... but so far, they aren't doing that. In fact, being that I am just *for the most part* one of those 'what you see is what you get' kinda gals, I feel like I'm being a little otherwise, now.
I look like I have boobs.
But I don't.
Not anymore.
As I was in the shower thinking about this last night, I found myself giggling at the image of a little A or B-cup girl shoving a bunch of toilet-tissue down her shirt to APPEAR to have bigger ones than are actually under there. Please... if you have made the choice to have implants somewhere along the road in your life... do NOT take offense to me saying this. Surely, my feelings on this matter, concerning me, go far deeper than just the argument of fake boobs/no fake boobs.
But even when the subject of breast-feeding came up with the boys at our dinner-table tonight I found myself saying, out loud, 'Yeah, mommy won't ever have the ability to produce milk again though like she did for you guys, cause to get my cancer out, they had to take all of that stuff out, too.' Not to say I haven't thought a lot about this as a young woman breast-cancer fighter, but to hear it out-loud, from my own mouth. was a bit more cutting than even I realized it would be.

I suppose what I have to learn from this is just was I've said about all of it from the get-go.

THIS world is flawed.
My BODY is dying--as is yours.
This life I am living inside this body is so temporary and so short on the scale of eternity. I was given 32 years in a 'normal' body. That's more than some get from the moment they take their first breath. And that's even more than some get before being allowed a breath, ever.
32 years. 
Sure, it's short. It feels like it was cut short on a scale of 80 years of life. Or even 50 years. But I was GIFTED 32. And I was GIFTED the opportunity to breast-feed two beautiful and healthy children... regardless of what any future children of ours may be 'forced' to experience. Some women without ever having cancer never get that opportunity.

I am just grateful for what I had.
I am truthfully a little weirded out, currently, with what I have now... but like I said to a beautiful woman and cancer-survivor-friend of mine who was struggling, recently, 'It's not about focusing on what you missed out on--it's about embracing what you got IN on!'

So thanks, Lord, for 32 years that consisted of no broken bones, no surgeries, two beautiful, healthy pregnancies resulting in two amazing little people and two substantial-sized, soft, round and normal boobs that allowed me the opportunity to feed those two amazing little people, adequately.


The ONLY teensy-tiny request I have now is this: Pretty please, with sugar on top...give me back the ability to side-sleep again. I'm a fetal-position kinda girl and I'm just not so convinced I can learn otherwise... ;)

Foob News~

Well. It's hard to believe that yesterday marked the official TWO WEEKS since surgery!
Though, my brain and body would argue, otherwise, with all the extra pill-poppin', drain-managing and sleep-depriving surgery-aftermath it's been through.

But...
all in all, I really can't complain.

This surgery proved to be a pretty quick recovery.
And once again, the help and support from my family was right there, doing their thing.
Unbelievable, the love and commitment.


So where are things now?
Well, drain #1 was officially removed two days ago, wahoo! Man, was that nice.
Only thing nicer would've been getting the left drain removed then, too. But alas, it's fluid count was still far too high. :( However... the end looms near!! Aaron estimates he'll be removing that one tomorrow and, oh I do so hope he's right!!! Can't tell you how totally ready I am to take a shower and not feel like a scene from The Matrix. :-P And how ready I am to try sleeping on my side, again! I don't know about you, but I'm a fetal-position kind of girl. Always have been.
This back sleeping gig is FOR THE BIRDS!!!


What other things?
Well, I gotta admit... as I stand now *and yes, I'm aware that it may be a tad presumptuous* I'm not super pleased with my new boobies. I mean. They're fine. But they aren't really anything FANTASTIC. And I gotta admit, I'm a little disappointed.

BUT. It's like a good friend was telling me, today... boobies that LOOK fake really aren't.. ME. And I agree with her. She's right. That really wouldn't fit who I am. But there is still a part of me that, through all of this hassle and long trek, would like to feel a little 'adventurous'... if that's the word?! ;)

Oh well.
Aaron does admittedly like them, even now, with surgical-glue and sutures still freshly healing up, ha! So I suppose that's good enough. ;)