It's time for me to start writing again.
Not in response to all those around me who've prodded why I haven't been.
Not even just because I need some kind of 'outlet' for my feelings--as my counselor has said.
But because, tonight.....
as I laid in a bathtub filled with bubbles--my precious-hearted mother's quiet attempt to sooth her miserably sad daughter--I poured over my thoughts of anger towards the Lord...thoughts that I've been battling with, on and off, for the past year and a half now. How on earth could a 'loving God' allow such anguish in my life. News and more news, adjustment after adjustment. Allowing me, STILL, to be in what feels like Job's book! Haven't I learned ENOUGH?! Haven't I HAD ENOUGH?! Haven't I endured and experienced..ENOUGH!?!?! Do you even HAVE AN 'ENOUGH' on your gauge for me?!!?
Call it a pity party if you must. Honestly, what you think I am struggling with or why I AM struggling doesn't make any difference. The reality is...that I AM STRUGGLING.
And haven't really ever stopped.
And then...I realized. It's time.
It's time for me to stop being angry. To STOP struggling.
It's time for me to stop pushing God away. Why?
Well, for starters, it's CLEARLY NOT WORKING.
My counselor asked me at an appointment, 'Why do you think you stopped writing' and my response was, 'It's like my writing was then--in the midst of everything--and it belongs with THAT time--but now is a different time and if life has to be a 'new normal' then I want DIFFERENT.
But here's the problem...when I was writing I was CLINGING TO THE LORD. I was being HELD, in a corner, and instead of making the choice to kick and scream and panic, I was making the choice to LOOK TO HIM. As soon as I was released from that corner, I ran from that room, slammed the door shut and never looked back. And He's been standing there, waiting for me to visit ever since. Instead, I've chosen to occasionally walk BY the door, throw a few curse words out and feel angry at all the redecorating that was done to the other rooms of my 'house' while I was in my prolonged time out. (And even continues to BE done, without my consent!)
And you know what?!
Just like it's exhausting for a small child to throw a temper tantrum for 45 minutes only to earn ZERO response from their parent...I am EXHAUSTED of doing so with the Lord. And truthfully, He must be just shaking his head at my willingness to waste such precious time in the first place.
It's not healthy to tell a person whose been through a life-altering circumstance that you're 'glad they survived and can go back to life now.' I know I've said this before, but I urge any of you who have not been challenged in your own life in this way to be extra careful to not say that to anyone who has.
It's simply not true. And it can actually make the hurting person feel GUILTY for not being grateful for 'getting past' that trial and therefore leave no room for the necessary process of grievance and acceptance to take place. Just because the scars are not visible to you and they 'look great' doesn't mean that their house was not DRASTICALLY 'redecorated' during that season of trial. In fact, rest assured...our trials are MEANT to change us...hopefully..eventually..for the better, for the New Kingdom's purpose.
As my dad said to me recently, 'there is a NEED to mourn the unchosen changes and losses caused by our trials.' I NEED to be able to talk about and cry about the loss of my fertility and therefore the loss of my option to biologically produce another beautiful baby with my amazing best friend and husband. I NEED to be able to mourn the loss of so much of my previous physical body. My breasts. The scars left in their place. My 20-something body...the function of a normal 30-something body. Those are LOSSES. But like all things mourned, their is a time to do so...and then their is a NEED for healing to take place. I am ready for that healing but in order to do that, I have to stop harboring the anger, regret, loss and disappointment that has been keeping me from re-entering the room in which the One who WANTS to comfort me most and heal my wounds in His Way can do so.
So...like a woman going into her first real contractions of labor who claims the start of what is a necessary process for a life-altering chapter to begin says...
Time for me to embrace what life is now. What God still has planned for me...for US......
IN THE DAYS AHEAD.
Time to be done angrily mourning what once was because those things will never be again......time to allow the Lord to inflict what still CAN be in this life. I haven't even been willing to look Him in the face, truly, for the past year and a half for Him to do so...but that doesn't mean that He doesn't WANT ME TO.
He is, in fact, waiting on ME. Like a good parent should. No extra attention. Just calm, quiet patience.
Sorry Lord, forgive me. I think I'm ready now.
I think it's time.