Can I just say what a True Gift of God an amazing, doting, loving, fighting and bull-headed mother is?!
SERIOUSLY.
Did you know that my mother actually said tonight, to one of my dear cousin's faces, that she wants to have her boobies cut off, too? ...exclaiming... 'I just wanna be twinsies!' LOL. I'm sorry, ma, but seriously.
I busted a big ol' gut reliving that one tonight, in my mind.
But in all seriousness, people...
MY. MOTHER. IS. SOMETHING. OF. AN. ANGEL.
She came to my house, crawled into bed with me at 8am this morning...the two of us snuggled up after a night of sheer sleeplessness...brought me a special coffee and cake, burst into maid-mode and 'house-prep for GO-mode,' laughed with me, cried with me, talked with me, cried some more, embraced me in prayer...she is absolutely one of my guardian angels; I felt it before, but am convinced of it, now.
Part of our day today, aside from running all over to the studio, to picking up Gray, to Value Clean (where my angel-mom insisted on paying for all of my snuggly things...comforter, duvet cover, etc to be professionally cleaned)...we made a trip to Costco.
I had a 'smallish' list of things that I wanted to get since we haven't made our normal tri-monthly Costco trip in quite some time and the latest news in preparations for Portland.
While in Costco, my poor little boys, who've had quite the ear-full and sight-full of tears and shaken nerves within their usually pretty sturdy home-front were finally starting to show their limit.
Mom decided it best to take them over to the McGee/Ziebart beloved hotdog/concessions stand to feed my little crazies while I finished up my mental-list... which, admittedly, somehow gained an english-toffee 'need', ha!
Forgive me if this next bit sounds as selfish as I know it is.
As I walked up and down the surprisingly calm aisles, I felt like I was in a bit of a sleep-walk.
Have you ever had that 'almost fainting' feeling where absolutely everything is hazy and even the sounds around you seem to just blur together and everyone and everything around you goes into instant slow-motion?
I held my cart handle tight, knowing that I needed to just breathe through it and push along.
While pushing, I walked past a middle-aged woman, probably around my beautiful mommy's age, and out of absolutely NO WHERE wished that it were her, instead of me.
I don't even KNOW this woman... she may be a cancer survivor herself... yet I am wishing her to have it!?! Just then, I noticed that just about everyone around me, or at least that my eyes could focus on, was her age... looking too happy and carefree... and I absolutely HATED them for it.
Any of you who know me, and even those of you who do not, know that I don't have a hating bone in my body---well, all except that which I feel for my neighbor's little incessantly yipe-y mut!--but you get what I'm saying. I really don't and would never wish on even a worst enemy (which I hope I don't have) that they be faced with this awful disease.
After some more minutes of pushing around semi-aimlessly, I found myself just calling on the Lord, in my heart...knowing that these thoughts are just NOT OF HIM.
I finished up my finds, headed up to the register and spied a beautiful woman with two of the most beautiful boys across the aisle happily eating hotdogs together and for a split second thought... wow, I wonder who THEY belong to.
Seconds later, after 'they' set in for me, I realized...
THIS IS REAL. It's as real as it gets, folks. It's not going away, it's not a bad dream, it's not an easy fix...but dang it, I can't think of more beautiful people to WIN IT FOR than those faces as well as all the other beautiful hearts and faces that I know are here for me in this.
In that moment, I realized... I'M GOING TO BEAT THIS... if not just for the Glory of God but for every single, beautiful soul pulling for me, right now, in this moment.
I have to admit that I was laughing and crying at the same time when I was reading this, Hayley. I know for a fact that you don't have a single hateful bone in your body (even for that yipey mutt next door), but I can totally understand the wishing it was someone else part.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking earlier how unfair it is that we get these people here in the hospital that have tried taking their own lives, people that have done drugs and alcohol until their bodies can't take anymore, people that don't cherish the gift of life one single bit. And then there are people that cherish every single moment, that fight for every single moment of this gift that God has given us. It's not fair. We will never understand why things happen the way they do. We just have to keep plugging along, drawing strength from our friends and family, and knowing that God is forever good. I have no doubt, whatsoever, that you will use this for God's glory. For that, I deeply respect and admire you.