The fact is, no person can really get full justice through mere description--especially someone like Grammy--but you have to just trust me when I say that becoming more like my Grammy would be a genuine compliment to me... and the more things I share in common with her these days...even the 'ugliest' parts...the more honored I feel to see where this journey is taking me.
Over the past few months worth of chemo, the very human part of me has gone through quite the transformation--I like to look at it as 'an introduction to my, someday, elderly self.'
At thirty-three years of age now, this journey sometimes feels as though it's destined me to become 'old' before my time--dealing with daily nausea, race-to-the-bathroom diarrhea, bloody-noses, heart-burn, indigestion, hot flashes (!) and more--giving me a real taste for some of Grammy's daily life. Who of you, under the age of 50, thinks you might ever 'not make it' to the bathroom?! BE HONEST. ;-P Yeah, well, let me tell you... when you're 33 and 'you don't,' you become very humbled and grateful for the once normal functions of your body, ha, and very sympathetic of those who live daily like this.
Oh. Yes!!!
Oh colon.
The Keene family joke is the coined phrase 'Oh honey...' *which began just about every one of her adoring sentences* 'I don't know if I'm gonna make it!'--'it' being the bathroom just meager STEPS away from her big relining chair. I remember thinking (in my clueless teenage brain) how on earth does a person feel that out of control of their bowels?!!
I know.
Mean. I agree, cause now, thanks to Neratinib (my study drug), I GET IT, more than I'd like to admit!!! If that's not One. Big. Fat. UGLY. dose. of. perspective.
Grammy was one of the most out-spoken women I think I'll ever know---opinionated and founded. Grounded and stubborn. A LOT like someone else I know and who my husband is pretty familiar with, too, ha! ;) (Yes, I'm talking about myself.)
That bull-headed blood runs deep, indeed.
But along with all of those qualities, Grammy was bursting with two other qualities that left me as well as most of our family and friends (and even unsuspecting strangers alike!) humbled and dumbfounded...
Unconditional Love towards every one and every THING--she was absolutely spilling-over with/in/for God!
I've always enjoyed telling the story about going, for umpteenth time to 'a show' (which translated to the movie theater in Grammy-lingo) and using the bathroom, pre-movie.
Being 16 and healthy, with normal functioning bowels, I was in and out of my stall, done washing my hands and found myself waiting for my hum-driven Grammy, adjacent to the line of women waiting to use the facilities next.
The tune: Rock of Ages.
The 'accompaniment': Grammy's poor bowels.
Not surprisingly, the two simply didn't go well together--but interestingly, as the bowels 'grew' in volume, so did the passionate hums from my Grammy~ Oh boy.
Standing there, next to the long line of eager women (what is it with women's restrooms and the endless lines at them?!!), I remember thinking I wished I could just melt into the floor, followed by fantasizing that Grammy may just, if I were lucky enough, NOT address me when she exited that stall.
Of course, that's not how it happened--and thank goodness what did unfold provided me a much needed non-'sparing of the rod'--translation--DISCIPLINE!
I remember noticing women looking through their purses, starting up purposeful conversation with the complete stranger next to them---doing ANYTHING to cover up the sounds coming from stall 3!
But finally....
*flush.*
As Grammy came out of her stall, she looked up at me with her huge, beautiful red-lipstick smile, and professed 'Oh Honey... I just LOVE that hymn!'
It was like a huge, painful bolt of lightening when the beauty of the whole scenario set in for me.
That face, that smile...THAT HEART!!!
How on earth could I be embarrassed by this beautiful woman!!!
Sudden washes of remorse and embarrassment in myself overcame me as she turned on the sink.
Then---PRIDE.
Yep, that's right, ladies...we did just witness some of this woman's later-life intestinal issues..but you know what, she's a beautiful woman of God who's unafraid to bask in His Love and that is why I 'claim' her, PROUDLY!
Just then, she caught the eye contact of the woman at the sink next to her's and out of nowhere asked, 'Honey, do you know our Lord and Savior?'
*Me, stepping back, again in self-pride*: Gulp!
Thinking, 'Grammy, really?! Is this the time and place to do this???' Just as visions of taking her by the arm and spouting off some excuse about the movie starting soon began bouncing around my head, the woman paused, looked up at my Grammy in the mirror, then turned, looked her straight in the eyes and with a refreshed posture said, 'You know, a friend just asked me to church the other day and I sort of wanted to go...'
U.N.B.E.L.I.E.V.A.B.L.E.
Minutes after creating what originally felt like a rather awful scenario with a part of her human side, so out of her control...her spirit MOVES and testifies Truth to a complete stranger!
But you see...this is who my Grammy was.
People would show up to her doorstep to share 'their testimonies' of denominational faith and/or call on the phone to solicit their opinion and instead of slamming the door shut or phone down or worse yet, locking and running/hiding (yeah, you too, right?!)...she welcomed them. Why??
Because Grammy operated, most of her later years, in a space of Love...God's Love.
She would say, 'Oh honey, those ladies just need to hear from the Word--I love our conversations and I know that they may not be getting that elsewhere.' Sure, she loved the company--who could blame her for getting lonely. But there was more to it than that. Grammy was sensitive to the Spirit--most of the time, in fact. She was awnry, don't get me wrong. But when it came to forgiving, reaching out, overlooking---showing Agape Love, she really did mostly master it.
It's a joke for me, now...I used to roll my eyes at her when she'd literally question people, freely *and from my standpoint*, awkwardly, everywhere we'd go--the drive-in, check-stands, gas-stations...you name it.
It's funny how God changes our hearts through our trails.
Just the other day when I was in a check-out line, I felt led to talk to my checker about God. Her response was remarkable. She thanked me for our talk before we left.
I find myself praying for/with just about everyone who enters our house. I find myself offering to pray with/for complete strangers. It's almost uncanny.
Does this make me a saint or less human? Absolutely not!
But God blesses us for obedience to His commands. And he is definitely blessing me for listening and heeding His Word with an unexplained Joy when I do.
My Grammy was far from perfect, HELLO. But I'm just now, barely, beginning to understand the 'space' that she thrived in because of her submittance.
And let me tell you, people, YOU WANT IT FOR YOUR LIFE.
I hate my side-effects right now, I really do. I HATE taking drug after drug, knowing it's going to cause all sorts of un-fun things to happen to me in the coming hours. But, every time I run to the bathroom to 'barely make it,' I can't help but think fondly--sometimes even through laughing tears--on Grammy.
I'm deciding now that for each, 'ugly' part of this transformation I'm experiencing, I'm going to hold myself accountable. It may sound weird and even a little sick and twisted to some of you--
but I don't care.This is my journey. My battle. And this is may way of dealing with it.
So, if I have 8 nasty 'Grammy episodes'--I have eight times in which that next day I am to pray for/with someone or touch someone, somehow with God's Word and Joy.
This is my way of teaching myself how to embrace becoming like Grammy, and though I don't wish on ANY ONE of you these nasty side-effects, I challenge you, too, to let down your pride with me and make good use of this gift of a moment to touch another person's life in an Eternal way.
...oh and after you do... just be prepared for a flow of Joy like no other~
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