Control Issues...

Just posted the first Courage video on here (left side-bar)...hopefully the first of more.
Keep those pics, coming, and if you don't have a Facebook, please feel free to email them to me at: hayleyziebart@gmail.com. :)

So, today...this week is all about control--rather my learning to RELINQUISH it!

Those of you who know me more personally and deeply know that I have a 'system' of doing things.
Yes, I am (in prior circumstances) a part-time working mom and so that system isn't always perfectly in place, but I do have one...and certain things about it are followed to a tee on a daily-basis.

Our basic morning routine involves getting up around 9:30/10am, having breakfast with my little men, dressing them, making their beds, doing homework/practicing violin and then kicking the day off.
Usually after dropping Gray off to school, Linc and I have a list of things to do--like one of those today
(again under more normal circumstances) would've involved taking the over-flowing recycling by the recycle center around the corner, on our way back to the house. Then, Linc and I usually have time to just be together...soak in mommy/son time and take care of household duties TOGETHER and at our leisure. Of course, I suppose today's Monday so technically, I would've been running to get to the college for piano class and then over to the studio for a day of students...but Tuesdays & Thursdays would look like the prior description.

Whatever the case, we're a week and a half out from starting treatments and I'm ALREADY feeling totally OUT OF MY ELEMENT.

As I look out my window and see just enough sun and rain-free weather, I can't help but miss the option of going outside and taking care of a few of my projects I'd wanted to wrap up on before winter hit. Dad took down our pool today (something we'd planned to do the weekend after we found out about everything) so that was nice, but although I appreciate it, there's that part of me that mourns over not being able to do it myself.

Does that sound dumb?!

Taking care of my house and my things... that's MY job. It's just so weird to have it suddenly not be--and you'd think I'd be HAPPY to not do it--but it actually makes me a little sad.

It's like when you have a bad flu and feel forced to be a lump-on-a-log in order to get well... you just can't WAIT to heal up so you can get back to things as 'they should be.'
It's enough to make any control-freak go batty fast. Yes, I admit it. I am one.

In order to not flip a major switch, I take a step back.



I bring it back to the Lord and all I can see is Him, LAUGHING.
Really. He's laughing at me.

As if taking care of those worldly-responsibilities really should be the root of my joy, anyway?!

Now I understand why He's laughing.

Once again, my pride has convinced me that I have less worth if I am unable to do things without help. My pride has ripped me out of God's presence and into the darkest most depressing parts of my mind that scream 'Life will NEVER be the same!!!' ...and I find myself, momentarily, convinced that all joys are a history my remaining days on this earth.

WRONG.
So. So. Wrong.

GOD is our joy.
God doesn't care how you do your laundry or for that matter who does it when you can't.
God doesn't care if your perfectly regimented day goes 'just so', as YOU'D planned it to.
God doesn't care if your yard-project has to stay unfinished for the next 8 months or more.
God doesn't care who makes your dinner, or who feeds your children, or even when and what they eat!

So, if none of those things matter to Him, why should they matter to ME?!!

Control is an enemy and control is a dangerous part of our lives that The Enemy wants us to mingle heavily in. He WANTS us to feel useless and unworthy when our lives feel out of control.
Yet, ironically, we all know and preach this unanimous prayer:
'Lord, YOU have control...Lead my life.'

Well.
Suppose I can't argue with that...seems it's just another prayer answered~