MAJOR hormone fluctuations, odd cravings (thank you, drugs), acid-reflux, 'nesting' instincts--including that feeling of just needing major change in life's routine, batter-brain or as my nurse's deem it 'chemo-brain,' the need for frequent naps/rest/downtime *even though I rarely meet that need*, people all around you asking you all the time 'how are you feeling'... hahaha!
There are days where I am just sooo frustrated with this scenario--or maybe the better word is saddened--because at least with a pregnancy, you're likely going to end up with a warm, wrinkly, snuggly little new life in your hands. People have said: 'Well yeah, you technically ARE going to end up with a 'life'... YOURS... but sorry if I don't quite see that as the same thing. :-P
Perhaps the most ironic part of all of it is what I've read about the chemo round ahead...
one of it's 'common' side-affects is that it makes you sterile...and even if by the off chance it doesn't, being that I'm 33 and have to wait a minimum of two years before I would even be allowed to think about a third child, it's just not likely to happen.
Don't get me wrong...
I Praise God that I had the chance to have my two boys before all of this and Trust and Know that God's Plan is what it is... that if I'm done, then I'm done, and that's just something I will accept.
But I think that every woman out there can relate to the desire of choosing when that's the case for themselves--not have someone tell them it is. Yep. I DO know how silly that sounds cause I know that doctors telling me so is God's Plan, unfolding. I suppose my mama's heart though that was urging Aaron a year and a half ago to list our house and get things in order for 'the next chapter' *I know, I'm such a woman* can't help but feel a little crushed. I definitely feel a little robbed of that self-confirmation of 'yep... I've sewn all the 'seed' I want to sew.' I envy my friends who whole-heartedly laugh out loud when someone poses the question 'do you want more?' They are so confirmed...yet I admit to originally saying 'Three, maybe even four,' happily, when it came to that early-marriage topic. Perhaps it's also a bit of a grievance for me that this gorgeous, blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl that Aaron and I may have produced together *I know I'm partial but I think we make pretty ones* (whom I've literally held and touched in my deepest dreams), will never be. This scenario also doesn't make reading/hearing about baby #3's and 4's (even some #5's!) for friends and family my age, all around me, any easier. I'm soooo ecstatic for them but I won't lie and say I don't want to BE them right now, either.
But I think that every woman out there can relate to the desire of choosing when that's the case for themselves--not have someone tell them it is. Yep. I DO know how silly that sounds cause I know that doctors telling me so is God's Plan, unfolding. I suppose my mama's heart though that was urging Aaron a year and a half ago to list our house and get things in order for 'the next chapter' *I know, I'm such a woman* can't help but feel a little crushed. I definitely feel a little robbed of that self-confirmation of 'yep... I've sewn all the 'seed' I want to sew.' I envy my friends who whole-heartedly laugh out loud when someone poses the question 'do you want more?' They are so confirmed...yet I admit to originally saying 'Three, maybe even four,' happily, when it came to that early-marriage topic. Perhaps it's also a bit of a grievance for me that this gorgeous, blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl that Aaron and I may have produced together *I know I'm partial but I think we make pretty ones* (whom I've literally held and touched in my deepest dreams), will never be. This scenario also doesn't make reading/hearing about baby #3's and 4's (even some #5's!) for friends and family my age, all around me, any easier. I'm soooo ecstatic for them but I won't lie and say I don't want to BE them right now, either.
Heck, half the time I just don't want to be anything I am right now.
When God moved us from Portland 5 1/2 yrs ago *and that move really wasn't so much about us, though the blessings have certainly flowed down on us* I just never saw us completely 'settling' in Roseburg...I don't like the limited school options for our kids and aside from being close to family, it's just not where I saw us spending the 'youth' of our adult life and raising our children over the long-haul at all. Of course CANCER certainly wasn't in my 5-year-plan, either...ha! Pretty sure I've never met anyone who would say, 'Oh, and then I need to *insert life goal here* so that next year, I can get cancer.
When God moved us from Portland 5 1/2 yrs ago *and that move really wasn't so much about us, though the blessings have certainly flowed down on us* I just never saw us completely 'settling' in Roseburg...I don't like the limited school options for our kids and aside from being close to family, it's just not where I saw us spending the 'youth' of our adult life and raising our children over the long-haul at all. Of course CANCER certainly wasn't in my 5-year-plan, either...ha! Pretty sure I've never met anyone who would say, 'Oh, and then I need to *insert life goal here* so that next year, I can get cancer.
BAH.
While I was at Gray's karate class tonight I started up a conversation with a dad of one of the other kids (his daughter and Gray are in the same kindergarten class, too) and out of left-field he asked me 'So, I know you have Gray and his little brother... do you have any more, a daughter, perhaps? or plan to?
*Insert the better top half of this blog* and that was most of the unfolding conversation--but as I often do, I found myself preaching out what I myself needed to hear most.
NONE of us really have a set plan... I mean, go ahead and try *be my guest* but we're not even guaranteed our next breath, so why on earth do we *I'm preaching to all you fellow women-folk, especially* feel a sense of 'control' when we lay a 5-yr-plan?! And better question yet... why on earth do we NEED/DESIRE that control if we walk around all day telling/ministering to all those around us that God is in control of our lives?!! Seems pretty hypocritical to me! :-P
-->BIG hypocrite, right here<--
So it just comes back to this--I HAVE CANCER. Cancer is my 'now' journey. What my 'next' journey may be? Well, I don't know that. If I'm blessed enough to beat this wretched disease and have a next journey--I will be grateful to have made it so far. It is NOT easy for a personality like me to truly grasp and live by this fact *I'm preaching to myself through this blog too, you know!* but I do know that it is necessary to my joy, alone, that I tell myself, every day, that I'm NOT. IN. CONTROL. and that THIS moment is what I am living for.
Sound familiar? LIVE IN THE MOMENT?!
Yeah. Amazing how many times I've had to re-learn this--just in this few short months.
-->Stupid-head, right here.<--
-->Stupid-head, right here.<--
Truly though...this life... these days... this very second did not come from a guarantee, and the next one after it was a gift too. The future is the future--A GIFT...
IF... it comes.
So for right now, I will embrace my 'fantom' pregnancy--this pregnancy of cancer--and know that if I never get to be pregnant-pregnant again, maybe, just maybe, by the end of my journey with all these yucky pregnancy-like symptoms, God will have blessed me with a healthy detest for pregnancy that will grant me my longed for confirmation...
and in turn just give our family more beautiful nieces to fill my current estrogen-void~
and in turn just give our family more beautiful nieces to fill my current estrogen-void~
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