On a day where this mama's heart can't help but sit and perseverate on her little sick guy from afar, it seemed appropriate to use this blogging moment to cover my 2nd precious boy...
my Grayson Milo.
Up until a few weeks ago, this journey seemed to be a more matter of fact subject for Gray than anything plaguing him with or causing him obvious emotional turmoil. We've discussed my cancer as a topic, just like any other topic *with BOTH boys* and answered any and all of their questions honestly and as thoroughly as we feel led. Mind you, I'm not checked out enough with either of my little men to think that mommy's sudden preoccupancy with medical appointments and influx of 'concerned visitors' wasn't somewhat rattling...but it was not until Gray's week of pure and utter rebellion *which is very contradictory of who he is for all who know him* took place that I had to truly step back and reevaluate his underlying needs...some of which I think even he himself was unaware he had.
It was during the weekend of chemo #4 that mom and I came to the conclusion that it was time........
MUCH had happened in the past month and a half--enough to make ANYONE'S head spin--and poor little Gray, old enough yet unexposed to mommy's weekly 'routine', had clearly developed some pretty dark fears out of the 'unknown.'
I'd wanted to sit him down, in person, and tell him that Nana and Mommy had decided we'd like to take him with on our next trip (that coming weekend) and explain to him why we'd concluded that'd be good----I had this whole vision in my head of him, snuggled up to me, having one of our heart-to-hearts about it and getting to hug him tight as I told him. Although this was FAR from what it ending up looking like, what happened was much better.
Gray had stayed overnight with Monga and Nana *something they do at least once a week right now* and Aaron and I had planned to go out on a little mini-date, just to get me out of the house.
As we were getting ready to leave, my cell phone rang and it was our eldest--SINGING--with his beautiful Nana accompanying him on the guitar in the background. Moved to instant tears, I hit the speakerphone button to let Aaron listen too.
'My God is Greater, My God is Higher, My God is Stroooooong-er than aaaa-ny ooo-ther', sang our little guy...over and over and over and over and over, again.
It must've gone on for two minutes or so.
...and, oh that darling little voice!!!!! Praising. His. King.
And wanting to share it with us.
And wanting to share it with us.
It just DOESN'T get better than that, folks.
When he was finally done and Nana strummed the last chord, he paused and then exclaimed 'Did you like it, mommy?' A blubbering mess on the other end, I managed to *grmph the throat lump away enough to reply, 'Oh honey, that was just beautiful...such nice singing, sweetheart, we loved it!'
Another pause, which I'm absolutely SURE was his ear-to-ear grin at Nana, followed finally by, 'I'm glad', 'That's a good song and I like singing it.'
After a few more tender exchanges, our conversation wound down to the goodbyes at which point Gray was reminded that I was supposed to tell him about a 'surprise' but never did. Reluctant *with the earlier image still in my head* I was tempted to tell him he had to wait...but instead broke the news--'Nana and Mommy are going to take you with to Portland this coming weekend so you can see where mommy goes to get her medicine and meet all mommy's doctors and stuff.'
*BIG pause* followed by excited giggling, 'Ooooooooh!' *growing more excited as it sunk in* 'I get to go with?!' *Bursting with happy* 'Hhhh-ooooo, yay, I'm so excited!!!'
That Sunday, driving up with our little Gray all snuggled into the backseat with his Leapster, snacks and blankie, mom and I just looked at him and then each other--sooooo confirmed in our hearts that this was so right.
When we arrived at our dear friends Jon & Nora's house, he was practically doing a hyper dance in their entryway, he just couldn't contain the many emotions of 'being included'--like he had almost graduated to another level of involvement on this journey, and I suppose he had. ;)
He spent that weekend getting to be the center of attention--'Aunt' Nora did mac & cheese dinner upon our arrival, just for him. 'Uncle' Jon ventured downstairs with his rather pushy but eager and curious little 'engineer buddy' to show off his extraordinarily impressive train project. Even Delancy, their adorable, retired guide-dog put up with Gray's over-zealous and happy little self.
At OHSU that next day, Gray met so many of mommy's medical team...and of course, all were adoring and kind to humor his introduction. I can't say it wasn't reeeeally nice to have the attention be OFF of me, for once...and even though we still talked about ports and iv-towers and medicines, it was quite refreshing to receive Gray's 'take' on them. I'm not sure that I will ever look at being hooked up for chemo as being anything other than 'becoming a cool robot,' again.
I quite like that way of looking at it, in fact. ;)
When chemo treatments were done, we loaded up our little side-kick and took a tram-ride, of which I believe is STILL the highlight of the trip for Gray since anytime he tells people about mommy's hospital, the tram is an important related topic *'...and you get to FLY up to the top of the hill!' ;)
It's been a few weeks since then and Gray still recalls all the details of our trip with him. This last weekend when they stayed behind and daddy and mommy went, he said to me 'Say hi to your nurses from me' and I could hear that edge of satisfaction in his voice--like, 'Yeah, pay my regards to all those new friends of mine up there, ma.' ;) If that's not proof enough that we made the right decision, his acting out practically disappeared over-night! NO, he isn't the perfect child... but the 'going out of his way to torment little brother' stuff and the 'arguing like a snotty teenager with mommy' stuff just vanished. Thing of the past. For now. Thank goodness.
Parts of this journey just plain stink. I'm not gonna lie.
There are times that I wish we just didn't have the boys so they don't have to 'do this' with us... but as soon as I start to say such things, God's voice chimes in and reminds me that He is working in them through this, too and it's not my place to keep them from growing stronger and closer to Christ and developing their OWN little testimonies--whatever they may be--from it.
As hard as it may be for my mommy's heart alone to grasp, when I remove myself and my own soul intentions for my children, I am reminded of the one steadfast and constant thing I can do for them that we should ALL be doing for our children, daily--cancer or no cancer--
and that is,
and that is,